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You are here: Home / Family / Why Sometimes Saying Sorry to Your Children is Not Enough

Family

Why Sometimes Saying Sorry to Your Children is Not Enough

sad girl with teddy bear

One of my biggest pet peeves is lateness.

I’m ashamed to admit, some of my grossest behavior has stemmed from being late, fear of being late or even the concept of being late.

Whether it’s fair or not, I view lateness as a waste of my time and a waste of your time.

Sometimes lateness is unavoidable, but to me, that doesn’t seem to matter.

sorry to your kids - lateness

When we are running late (or I just feel we *might* run late), my blood pressure rises, my impatience kicks up to 110% and my temper flares.

Sadly, when my children are grown adults, I’m fairly certain this WILL be something that they remember from their childhood.

It’s not like I’m not trying though!

I have ADHD and my brain is consistently in overdrive. Since I KNOW this about myself, I create routines and time goals for our normal everyday schedules. The organization station I created for school, my clothing organization bins and my kitchen tips are all part of this system.

They are all part of a larger picture that help me function as a normal adult (medication free) and a mother. If I don’t force myself onto a schedule, hours (and events, activities, deadlines, etc) can pass for me in the blink of an eye (if you have ADHD, I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about!).

I’ve even blogged about our schedule and most of the time, it’s wonderful. It makes us all happier and sets off our day on a GREAT  note.

morning-routines

All this to say, our schedule is important to me…and sometimes it’s too important to me.

Proverbs 11:2 NIV—When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Recently, despite our clothing bins and our other morning routines, we were not hitting my time goals for getting ready. It started with my morning deal seeking…the deals were just non existent! I have a goal to have at least 5 deals posted to the blog before the kids get up in the morning. I was only at 3 deals by the time I woke the kiddos up. This was a BIG deal this day because I knew I was going to be volunteering at the school a good chunk of time that morning.

Waking them up, I already knew I was in a bad mood.

The night before, both kids had struggled to fall asleep and both were excessively tired and whiny on this particular morning.

Shoes were misplaced, my son’s glasses were nowhere to be found (and that thing I was volunteering for that day? The VISION screening at his school!) and my daughter refused to eat breakfast.

I looked at the clock at 7:45 (our goal time for leaving) and then I looked at my children:

My daughter was not dressed and finally just now eating

My son had no shoes and no glasses!

no glasses -sorry to kids

I lost it. Oh I am so ashamed of how I lost it. I kept up a steady stream to my son about his irresponsibility of losing his glasses (we found them days later in my MIL’s room). I repeatedly told my daughter how frustrated I was that she did not go to sleep on time.

Finally we tracked down an old pair of glasses for Noah (his last prescription, so almost 2 years ago) and I got my daughter dressed and threw her breakfast in the trash (awful, I know…but I actually don’t regret doing this. This was a lesson she needed to learn the hard way since it had been a somewhat consistent issue for her).

Headed out the door and got the kids to school with time to spare before the tardy bell. The whole way to school, I kept up my griping. I am tearing up just thinking about this.

After dropping them off in the designated area, I drove to the other side of the school to park my van and wait the few minutes before entering the school to do my volunteer work for the day.

And I felt sick to my stomach.

Don’t get me wrong, my kids were not little angels that morning. They did not deserve the attitude that I dished their way though. It did not help our morning go faster. It did not find my son’s glasses. It did nothing but hurt my sweet little ones hearts and MY heart.

I resolved that I would give them a BIG sorry when they both got home.

Throughout the morning, I kept being hopeful that one of their classes would come in for the screening while I was there. As the morning went on, I thought about my behavior and I thought about how saying sorry just didn’t seem like enough. I needed to show them with my actions that I loved them and that that love is absolutely unconditional.

So even though I knew my deal blog had a disappointing amount of deals and I had a to do list a mile long, I went and ate lunch in the cafeteria with my kids that day.

They LOVE for me to eat lunch with them. I’ve done it once a week since school started this year, but it’s always been a planned thing. I knew surprising them would be a big (happy) deal 😉 .

lunch -sorry kids

The joy in their faces was worth it. I apologized for my behavior and told them that I felt we needed a “re-start” of our day (for what it’s worth, they both apologized for their behavior as well, without any prompting from me).

That hour that I spent with them (they have lunch one after the other) at lunch was my way of acknowledging that I let my “punctuality” issues get in the way of being a nurturing and kind mother to them. It was my “sorry” in a situation that the word sorry just simply would not have sufficed. They would have accepted it and they would have moved on. My heart wouldn’t have though.

Will this be the last time I “lose it” on my children? Oh that’s doubtful! I am not a saint and they are amazing, but they aren’t perfect either!

The lesson I learned though was that I am going to make mistakes. Sometimes they’ll be small. Sometimes they’ll be big. Sometimes sorry will be enough.

However, when my mistakes hurt the  hearts of those I love, I need to show through my actions that my apology is deeper than words. That I have acknowledged my mistake and that it has changed my heart and I have learned.

I hope that by doing this, by taking this extra step when I have acted in a manner not consistent with the life I am so desperately trying to model for my children, they will learn this valuable lesson earlier in life than I did. Hopefully preserving relationships that might be damaged by our pesky human nature to let our insecurities, issues and bad habits inflict pain on the ones we love.

Sometimes saying sorry just isn’t enough.

If you want to share a time when you needed to show  you were sorry through your actions, comment below. Please keep your comment respectful and kind. Rude comments will be deleted.

 


13 Comments

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Comments

  1. Niki says

    October 6, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I was crying while reading this. It’s so awesome what you did for your kids this day and a great lesson for them and all parents. I loose it sometimes too. And I hope my kids learn that I’m human and that it’s ok to make mistakes and that God allows us all second chances.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      October 6, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      Aww, and now I’m tearing up reading your comment. I agree, we all make mistakes and we all deserve second (and third and fourth) chances! Thank you so much for commenting!

      Reply
  2. Julie says

    October 6, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    I am so glad you posted about this! I have this same problem. I hate to be late and when we are running behind I lose it. More times than not, it is my own fault we are running late. Not to say my girls are perfect and did exactly what they were supposed to, but it is I who gets side tracked and time slips by. I am often, after the fact, horrified at my behavior towards my kids. I have a hard time stopping myself from droning on and on about what they did or didn’t do to make us late. And yes, sometimes words aren’t enough and more than an apology is needed. Thank you for sharing this personal experience of yours! We learn from one another and sometimes knowing others out there aren’t perfect parents either helps us to grow to become better parents.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      October 6, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      I’m so glad that you took the time to comment and share! Definitely helps me feel less alone as well! I agree, knowing that others aren’t perfect helps us feel we aren’t such a lost cause!

      Reply
  3. Carrie says

    October 7, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    Wow. Heather, that is so me. Especially, sadly, on Sunday mornings. Before we go to church, I get stressed. I yell, get frustrated, and we often leave for worship with hurt feelings and sad hearts. I’m so glad I’m not alone in this.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      October 8, 2014 at 7:04 am

      Sunday mornings can be the worst sometimes! I used to try to get us to the early service, but I have found my family is much better suited for the 11 o’clock service. LOL All we can do it ask for forgiveness and try again next time!

      Reply
  4. kathryn says

    October 8, 2014 at 8:38 am

    I love your honesty. I lose it for lots of reason. My biggest is how can I keep showing my children, 12 year boy and 14 year girl, how to be responsible and they do not get it. I ask for a clean room and one sets table and clears. The other rinses dishes and puts in dishwasher and unloads when done. I do lose it……..shamefully I admit. I prayer God covers their heart even from me. I wish I did not have that side of me. I love them…….and they love me but I am concerned about there sweetness. Thanks for your story.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      October 8, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      I think something that we can ALL do is make sure that we are showing others (and ourselves and especially our children) GRACE. I think modeling Grace is important for so many reasons, but also for selfish ones! If we show our children grace, they are more likely to show us grace as well. I love how you say you are concerned about their sweetness. I thought I was the only one who felt that way! LOL

      Reply
  5. Veronica says

    October 8, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    I totally understand where you’re coming from. My mom was the consistently late mom. Screaming and falling out the door with me because we were always late. I was always stared at as I walked into class every morning, late. I always looked a hot mess as a kid because we were always running too late to make me look presentable. It was humiliating, embarrassing and horrible because it was a reflection on me, yet I had no control over the situation.

    Now, as an adult, I freak the heck out over running late, or being close to running late. Thank goodness my husband does morning drop off now, and I do afternoon pickups. I’m always early for that, which the kid drive-thru ladies HATE.

    My kids definitely need to learn to be respectful of people’s time. It’s a bug deal in our house. We bend over backward to coach and volunteer for their activities, so I find it disrespectful for them to make us late when doing their activity.

    My 17 year old has had to walk to school when he’s not ready to go. My 9 year old daughter has lost TV privledges when she’s playing at pick up time instead of looking for my car in the kid drive-thru.

    I have lost it on them but I’ve explained to them why it’s so important.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      October 10, 2014 at 12:42 pm

      Yes, I agree. I do think that punctuality and respecting others time is so important. Your comment makes me realize that I don’t think I’ve really taken the time to sit down and explain that to them though. They might not grasp it yet, but you are right, they need to know it isn’t just a superficial reason why mom hates to be late. It does matter! Thank you so much for commenting.

      Reply
  6. Dani L. says

    August 12, 2015 at 11:20 am

    I am not a punctual person by nature. Once, when my now 14 year old was in the 3rd grade I had yelled at her all the way to school for missing the bus. She got out of the car without looking back. I got about half way home and suddenly was hit with a worst-mom-EVER brick to the stomach. I turnes the car around, went into the school, pulled her out of class and into the hallway and begged her forgiveness for my horribke behavior. I was more concerned with MY inconvenience than her tender, little heart. I was so ashamed…but hace remembered that lesson all these years and make sure that the last thing I say to my children when they leave is in love.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 14, 2015 at 1:46 pm

      Oh, I know that feeling well. ((hugs))

      Reply
  7. Nahida says

    November 25, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    I found your post just at the right time. We just had one of those mornings and I was very happy to read how you felt and delt with this while it was happening and after the fact. To know others experience this and learn from it is encouraging in that most of us are leaning and building on our parenting skills through experiences like this. You are spot on… sometimes sorry is not enough even from us parents and we can lead by example in how to show that we are truely sorry. All the best 🙂

    Reply
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