Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, it hurts like hell to lose your mother as a kid. Daughters should not have to bury their mothers before they are even teenagers. However, this is a story of grief, but also of healing and strength. If you are the caregiver for a girl who has lost her mother, or you have lost your mother yourself, I hope my story can help bring some peace and maybe even some healing.
I will never forget that day. My dad and stepmom came to our apartment and picked me up. Just me. My older sister had stopped visitation with my dad at this point, and my baby sister stayed home. This had never happened before.
I felt special (and as the “middle child”, that meant everything).
We drove for a bit and stopped at a sweet shop. My dad bought me a chocolate milkshake. We drove to a nearby park (we called it the “duck pond”) and sat down at a picnic table.
“She has maybe 6 months to live”
I didn’t drink much of that chocolate shake. I cried, I got angry. They were telling me that if my mom did come home from the hospital, that I couldn’t live with her. That she wouldn’t be able to take care of me. That I was coming to live with them.
6 months.
This was a Friday. By Tuesday, she was gone.
I was 12 years old and my mom was EVERYTHING to me.
Ovarian cancer stole her from me.
Here’s what I lost:
My history – your mom is not finished telling you about your history at 12. The things she has, you aren’t old enough to understand the sacredness of keeping. It might be there on the fringes, but it isn’t imprinted in your mind yet. My dad was remarried and nobody wanted to talk about my mom after she was gone. The snippets I was able to glean were like treasure. I longed to find some secret journal that my mom had kept for years and years. She wasn’t that kind of person though. I have very few pictures and my memories and that’s all.
The mom moments – Learning how to put on makeup (although she never wore it, so not sure she would have been much help there), crushes on boys, fights with friends, going to the prom, graduating, getting married. Oh my gosh, having babies. As if missing her during my teen years wasn’t awful enough, she also wasn’t there on my wedding day. I remember sitting by myself after just putting on my makeup and seeing myself in the mirror. A bride. Your mom should be there with you when you see yourself as a bride for the first time. Oh my gosh, missing her so much it physically hurt. I had to start my makeup all over again.
The future – She will never hold my babies. We will never have grown up adult conversations. I will never have that gradual progression into friendship that happens when a mother and daughter travel through adulthood together. I will never get to take care of her like she took care of me. Thankfully, I know exactly where she is, and I know as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, we will be together again one day. It is my greatest comfort.
Security – Losing your mom at the cusp of teenagehood shakes you to your core. It depletes your confidence and it zaps you of your comfort. It is a harsh reality check that you can truly, madly, deeply love people and they can leave you. They can leave you through death, and you start realizing that they can leave you by choice as well. You become a people pleaser. You become a doormat. You become an introvert. You forever have trust issues. On a good note, it made me less tolerant of toxic people, I understood both the fragility and complete unfairness of life at an early age.
I lost my dad a few years ago. As an adult. He was alive for the birth of both of my babies and got to hold each of them. It didn’t make his death hurt any less. It didn’t make me feel any less orphaned now that both of my parents were gone. I went into a complete stupor and had to go into counseling after his death (that’s when I was diagnosed with this). Losing a parent as an adult sucks too.
We had time though. We didn’t use the time as we should have, too much of it spent apart. Never truly estranged, but separated. What a waste. You’d think we’d know better. Thankfully though, I had my moments with him. He walked me down the aisle. He held my babies. He saw me graduate. He passed down his history to me. I understood the importance of keeping it sacred. I remember it. I wish I had asked more questions, but I don’t think you can ever be fully satisfied that you have had enough time with a parent. You will always want more. Their work is never ever done. My stepmom has stepped up as both of my parents now. I don’t spend enough time with her. You would think I had learned my lesson.
You are forever scarred when you lose your mom at 12, but in some ways…you are also blessed. You are stronger. You can stand on your own. You can be a better mother yourself. You can understand the importance of passing down history. You hop into the picture even on your “ugly” days. You savor every moment. You sacrifice your time for your children. You sacrifice money for your children because you know creating memories with them is worth more than a huge bank account.
You understand that tomorrow is NOT promised, for you or for your children. So (in my case), you bring them to church. You teach them about Jesus. You guide them to join you in Heaven one day. One day, we’ll all be together. What a glorious day that will be.
If you know a young girl (or boy) that has recently lost their mother, come alongside her/him. Let them talk about their mom. If you have any history to share, share it freely. Don’t worry about upsetting them, they need to know. They want to know. Even if it is hard, they deserve to know.
Have you lost someone? Want to talk about it? Comment below.
This was absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking all at once Heather. Thank you for sharing and reminding myself (and others) of the many blessings we do have and to cherish all the moments.
As a mom I realize now all the sacrifices mine made for us and how blessed I am to still have her in my life. Something I all too often used to take for granted.
Thinking of you lots today!
Thank you Laura <3
{{{hugs}}} friend.
Thank you <3
You absolutely explained what I have been going through for years. I lost my mom, 17 days after my 12th birthday. It has for ever been a hole in my heart. Thank you. God bless you for sharing.
A hole in your heart sums it up perfectly <3 . I am sorry for your loss 🙁
Hello Heather,
I am here doing some research for myself. My niece lost her mom (my younger sister Aida) to Ovarian Cancer recently and it is so heartbreaking. She also has a little brother who is 5 Jacob. My niece Mia is 13 now but was 12 when she lost her mom. She doesn’t have a good relationship with her dad after her passing and all she does is nurture her little brother like if she was his mother and hates her dad because of how he was the last 2 years with her mom.
I used to live 3 houses down from my sister but moved away on business prior to her passing of course not expecting this. So now my niece feels alone in her house bcuz dad is never there and he now has a new gf and is pushing the new gf in her eyes. Making Mia have to like her. Mia doesn’t want to live with him. She came up to stay with us at my house and has been here for 2 weeks and doesn’t want to go back.
I feel so confused right now. I don’t know if to help her move in with us so that she can be happy like she says or convince her that he is her dad and that’s where she should be because I don’t want her to regret anything or blame me later for taking her or letting her stay with us.
So helpless right now. Sorry for the rant but I guess I just had to throw this frustration out to the Universe somewhere.
If you or anyone have any advise please email me at yoya1068 at gmail . Com.
Going for some guidance!
I am so sorry I am just now seeing this. Honestly, my best advice is as adults come together and try to work out what is best for your niece regardless of the adult dynamics. Maybe it’s more of a split situation where she gets to come to your house when she needs to get away. Let her have input. I think the most frustrating thing for me was just feeling helpless and like I was being shifted to where it was most convenient without much regard to what I wanted/how I felt about things. I will say, my relationship with my dad was not wonderful when my mom died, but I would have regretted if I did not stay with him. It would have been wonderful if I had had another adult to turn to though when things were rough. I unfortunately did not.
Its very hard for me,I am 12 and i just lost my mother on July , 31st ,2020
I was the last one to see her alive and to hear her last words
She passed because of unknown causes ,and i miss her sooo much
I kept thinking that She would come back to life and that we would hug for a longg time and that we would be even closer than before but just yesterday we got her ashes…
So at that point i knew she wasn’t coming back so i cried and i cry every night before i sleep and i miss her so much but i know ill see her in heaven one day
Its very hard for me,I am 12 and i just lost my mother on July , 31st ,2020
I was the last one to see her alive and to hear her last words
She passed because of unknown causes ,and i miss her sooo much
I kept thinking that She would come back to life and that we would hug for a longg time and that we would be even closer than before but just yesterday we got her ashes…
So at that point i knew she wasn’t coming back so i cried and i cry every night before i sleep and i miss her so much but i know ill see her in heaven one day so that brings me comfort
I lost my mom when I was 12. She was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 2. So my entire childhood I spent watching her lost her ability to walk to the point she was bedridden. Then she got breast cancer that spread through her whole body and ultimately took her from me. My childhood was spent by her bedside trying to bring her fevers down (at 9/10 yrs old) while other kids were studying or playing. I was angry. I gave up on school. On life. But when I was 18 I realized I had to keep going. I couldn’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I don’t believe in God so I won’t say I’m blessed to have learned from what happened but I will say that now that I have kids of my own I have an entire different outlook on her passing. My whole life I felt cheated but once I had kids I realized it was her that was cheated. She didn’t see me graduate, get married, have children of my own. She lost out on so much but I’m still here. Once I realized that it wasn’t me who was cheated my anger passed. My life improved. And once I knew for certain that any “god” out there, that would destroy A family and take a person and kick them when they are already down doesn’t deserve my attention. And my life improved even more. I hear it all the time from people, from parents. We are so blessed. What was I? Screwed? No I wasn’t. Because any higher power that would be so capricious to curse me and bless someone else is an absolute lunatic. Once you let go of god. Your life becomes clearer more meaningful and you live for yourself. Trust me when I say your life will improve.
i just lost my mother yesterday this is exactly how i feel as i am a 12 year old ive been having panic attacks scince i found out she was dead
At only 10, I lost my mother and have never got over it.
I’m the same as well, lost my mother at 10 and my father was completely absent. I’m in my 20s now processing this… My teenage years were a mess and no one was there to be on top of me as a kid. Our family never talked things out either.